


The Coffee Catastrophe

by Anonymous



Series: Momxiety Moments [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Coffee, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Little Shit, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Hugs, I Don't Even Know, I need to write some actual fluff soon, Logic | Logan Sanders is a Little Shit, Parental Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sides As Family (Sanders Sides), What am I doing?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:00:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29581323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "I have one rule," he informed, eyes more serious than Logan had ever seen them."Do not, under any circumstances, give Janus coffee."Ok, with a cryptic rule like that, and no explanation, how was Logan not supposed to investigate?
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: Momxiety Moments [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2101350
Comments: 14
Kudos: 87
Collections: Anonymous





	The Coffee Catastrophe

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally 2,000 words of pure idiocy, because I can't think of anything cute to write, so I've resorted to writing crack fics
> 
> Warnings:  
> \- There is a miniscule hint of something suggestive 
> 
> Other than that, nothing comes to mind, but let me know if I've overlooked anything.

"Alright people, listen up!" Virgil clapped his hands in order to draw everyone's attention.  
  
Logan glanced up from his book. Roman rolled his eyes, staring at his phone, and Patton was asleep on the table, having binge watched Parks and Recreation until five in the morning again.  
  
"Yes, Virgil? What do you need?"  
  
"Remus and Janus are coming to eat breakfast up here today, because they burned down their kitchen again."  
  
Roman raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Yes, and? Was there a point to that, Hot Topic?"  
  
Virgil gently shook Patton awake, making sure he was paying attention.  
  
"I have _one_ rule," he informed, eyes more serious than Logan had ever seen them.  
  
"Do _not,_ under any circumstances, give Janus coffee."  
  
Ok, with a cryptic rule like that, and no explanation, how was Logan _not_ supposed to investigate?  
  
He waited until Virgil was busy making sure Patton wouldn't faceplant the stove, before going up to his room in order to retrieve his notebook and a pen.

_'Effects of Coffee on Janus Sanders'_ he wrote as his heading, tucking his pen in his pocket, before returning to the kitchen.  
  
Janus and Remus had already arrived, chatting quietly to each other, occasionally stopping to ask Roman his opinion on their current topic of discussion, which the prince would share reluctantly.  
  
Roman was still hesitant to interact with Janus and Remus, Logan noted, despite the numerous occasions on which they'd proved themselves to be utterly harmless.  
  
Though, Logan was still mentally recovering from the Calcium Chloride Incident.  
  
"Salutations," he said, waving as he walked by, trying not to appear suspicious.  
  
Janus and Remus waved back happily, whereas Roman paused in his, slightly more enthused, contribution about Mulan to raise an eyebrow.  
  
Logan pretended not to see, slipping past Virgil and Patton in order to reach the coffee machine. He poured a cup as quietly as he could, before walking back to the table, carefully concealing the mug behind his notebook.  
  
"You know, Roman," Logan said smoothly, sliding into the seat by Janus. "I believe I just overheard Patton say he thought that Frozen was... oh, what was the word?" Logan put a hand to his chin. "Overrated."  
  
As expected, Roman rose from his chair abruptly, storming into the kitchen with an exclamation of "Patton Sanders this a betrayal of Biblical proportions!"

Janus smirked, obviously sensing the lie, but didn't mention it, much to Logan's relief. He placed the mug on the table, sliding it discreetly over to the Side.  
  
"Coffee," he said simply.

Janus' eyed the mug like how a hungry snake would eye a mouse (an apt comparison, in Logan's opinion), before pointing slowly to himself.  
  
"Yes, for you," Logan clarified.  
  
"Oh, Logan, you naughty thing!" Remus snickered. "Virgey's gonna be so mad!"  
  
Oh dear. Apparently Logan had forgotten to account for Remus.  
  
"I will pay you forty dollars to stay quiet."  
  
"A hundred."  
  
"Fifty."  
  
"One hundred and ten."  
  
"Thirty."  
  
"Ninety."  
  
"Sixty."  
  
"Eighty."  
  
"Fine," Logan sighed, summoning his wallet from his room and begrudgingly handing over the money. Remus grinned, stuffing it down his pants.  
  
"Thanks nerd!"  
  
"Hey, where's my hush money?" Janus complained.  
  
"Do you want me to take the coffee away?"  
  
"No!" He hissed, clutching the mug closer to his chest.  
  
"Good," Logan smirked. In the kitchen, he could hear Roman start another spiel about how "Frozen is the absolute best Disney movie and anyone who says otherwise hasn't watched it enough times".  
  
That meant Janus had around ten minutes to finish the coffee.  
  
"Now drink it."  
  
-  
  
"Alright, which one of you was it?"  
  
Virgil stormed into the Common Room, holding a vibrating Janus by the collar.  
  
Logan didn't look up from his notebook, scribbling furiously.  
  
 _Subject: Janus "Deceit" Sanders_  
 _Height: shorter than Patton_  
 _Vol. Of coffee ingested: appox. 400 ml_  
 _Time of consumption: 8:45 am_  
  
 _Visible Symptoms:_  
  
Logan looked up to see that Janus had escaped Virgil's hold, and was now bouncing around the room. He jumped on Remus' back spontaneously, making the Side stumble in surprise.  
  
 _Hyperactivity_

Roman's eyes widened at Virgil's tone, and he stood abruptly. With a wave of Virgil's hand, the main door slammed shut, preventing any of them from leaving.  
  
"No one leaves this room until I find out who it was," Virgil growled. "So I'll ask again. Who did it?"  
  
"Logan did it!" Remus squeaked, and Logan was surprised to find he'd turned pale, and the look in his eyes was akin to that of a guilty child.  
  
Virgil's stony gaze immediately flicked to him, and he pointed at the bottom of the stairs.  
  
"Timeout corner now. We've talked about this. Not everything I say is a challenge, Logan."  
  
Logan bit back a whine, but stood up, begrudgingly walking to the corner. At least he could still take notes from there. Virgil took a deep breath, and his glare softened a little. He sat down on the couch.  
  
"Janus, get off Remus, please."  
  
Janus complied, though Logan was sure it was more because he was too energetic not to be moving, rather than because he wanted to listen to Virgil.  
  
Virgil pulled Remus down onto the couch with him, guiding his head to lie in his lap. The main door stayed firmly shut.  
  
"Can we leave now?" Roman asked timidly.  
  
"Nope," Virgil replied. "I think we all need a visual demonstration to reinforce my rule."  
  
He stroked Remus' hair, humming absently.  
  
"What now?" Patton asked. He'd shifted closer to Virgil, resting his head on the Anxious Side's shoulder. Janus was nowhere in sight.  
  
"Now, we suffer."

As if on cue, Janus popped up out of nowhere, giggling like a mad man. He bounded over to Logan, eyes wide.  
  
 _Dilated pupils_  
  
"LoganLoganLoganLoganLoganLoganLoganLoganLoganLoganLoganLogan-"  
  
Janus was incessantly tapping his shoulder. Logan took deep breaths, willing himself not to strangle the other Side.  
  
"Yes, Janus?" He sighed.  
  
Janus was bouncing up and down on the spot, making the step vibrate, and Logan's pen slip.  
  
"Wha-what are y-you doing?"  
  
 _Stuttered speech_  
  
"I'm taking notes."  
  
"O-oh! That's- that's s-super exciting! Can I- can I see?"  
  
"No," Logan replied flatly, turning away so that Janus couldn't peer over his shoulder.  
  
Ok, so _maybe_ his reaction was a _little_ petulant, and _maybe_ it was because he was sour about being put in timeout again, but he didn't think Janus would approve of being his test subject.  
  
To his surprise, Janus deflated instantly, lip quivering and eyes glossing over.  
  
"B-but..."  
  
Eyes snapping back down to his notebook, Logan scribbled away.  
  
 _Mood swings_  
  
Janus let out a pitiful sob. Then another. Then another. Then another.  
  
And then he was wailing.   
  
Honest-to-goodness wailing.  
  
Logan's eyes widened, and he turned to stare at Virgil, who sighed.  
  
"Just show him it, Logan."  
  
Logan groaned.  
  
" _Fine_."  
  
He tilted the notebook so that Janus could see. Janus' tears dried so fast, Logan wondered if he'd really seen them there at all.  
  
"Yay!" He squealed- yes, _squealed_.

Logan crossed out his most recent observation, replacing it.  
  
 _Extreme mood swings_  
  
"W-why's my na-name on there?"  
  
"I'm writing down your reactions to the coffee," Logan began to explain. "So that I can-"  
  
But Janus wasn't listening anymore. He'd moved on from Logan entirely, much to his relief (though there was a twinge of indignance at being abandoned).  
  
 _Short attention span_  
  
He instead, threw himself at Roman, who fell off the couch at the impact.  
  
"Janus!"  
  
"Cuddles!"  
  
Roman ended up sprawled out on the floor, Janus sitting on his chest. Logan couldn't help but think the pose would've been suggestive, if Janus wasn't shaking as much as he was.  
  
 _Affectionate_  
  
Roman eventually managed to push Janus away, sitting up.  
  
"Don't... don't do that," he said, winded from the combination having fallen from the couch arm, and Janus' weight on top of him.  
  
The room was strangely quiet.  
  
"Is he done? Is it over?" Patton asked, sitting up.  
  
Virgil responded with a sigh.  
  
"No, this is the worst part."  
  
Before anyone could ask what he meant by that, they all caught sight of Janus.  
  
On the ceiling.

Logan's eyes widened as he scribbled, keeping his gaze fixed on the Side on the ceiling. Janus was crawling around above them, stance eerily reminiscent of a spider.  
  
 _Gains the ability to stick to the ceiling...?_  
  
Virgil gently nudged Remus off his lap and standing up.  
  
"Logan, how long has he been like this?"  
  
Logan checked his watch.  
  
"Approximately twenty minutes."   
  
"Alright. Pat, set a timer for ten minutes, please?"  
  
The Moral Side did as requested, pulling out his phone to set a timer. He placed his phone on the arm of the couch and standing, when Virgil beckoned him forward.

"I need you to get me a feather duster."  
  
Patton nodded, rushing off to find said item. Virgil then turned to Roman and Remus.  
  
"You two, try and back him into a corner," he said, keeping his voice low so that Janus wouldn't hear.  
  
Said Side was crawling around the ceiling like a hyperactive maniac, staring at them all in a way that was bordering on unsettling. Perhaps Logan should've listened to Virgil...  
  
Patton hurried back with the duster, handing it over to Virgil.  
  
"Pat, how much time left?"  
  
"Seven minutes."

Virgil's eyes widened. He urged Remus and Roman towards Janus, who ran (well, crawled) as soon as he caught wind of what was happening.  
  
He came to a stop directly above Logan, baring his fangs at Roman and Remus, as they attempted to corner him. The twins headed towards him, nearly trampling Logan in the process. When Logan had yelped, trying to dodge them, Janus managed to slip past, back into the middle of the Common Room.  
  
At one point, Remus had also conjured a feather duster for himself, brandishing it at Janus. Roman, upon seeing this, had done the same. Virgil was following the two, trying to catch Janus' hands with the duster.  
  
Logan was still unsure about what was trying to be achieved. By the looks of it, so were Roman and Patton.  
  
"Four minutes!" Patton called out.

Virgil cursed under his breath, and Logan wondered exactly why he'd set the timer in the first place.  
  
Finally, Roman and Remus had backed Janus into a corner by pointing their dusters at him. Virgil slipped past them, then... _tickled_ Janus' hand with his duster.  
  
What?

But it was effective. Logan watched, in awe, as Janus giggled, and his grip on the ceiling weakened. Virgil did it again. This time, his hand unstuck itself fully, dangling.  
  
That was when Logan realised what was happening. Virgil was going to _tickle_ Janus off the wall. He discretely pulled his phone from his pocket, recording.   
  
"Two minutes!"  
  
"Ok," Virgil took a deep breath. "Roman, Remus, get his feet. I'll get the other hand."  
  
Simultaneously, they all began tickling the three remaining appendages on the wall.  
  
"Thirty seconds!"  
  
Virgil dropped his duster abruptly, coming to stand directing underneath Janus. As soon as the Side fell, he was caught in Virgil's arms, wriggling like a fish out of water.  
  
"Ten seconds!"  
  
Virgil tightened his hold on Janus, making sure he wouldn't slip.  
  
"Five!"  
  
"Four!"

"Three!"

"Two!"  
  
"One!"  
  
As soon as Patton's phone beeped Logan stopped recording, and Janus went limp in Virgil's grip, head dropping onto his shoulder. His eyes were half-lidded as he wrapped his legs around Virgil's waist, resigning himself to being held.  
  
"Is he..." Logan began in disbelief. "Is he _asleep?_ "  
  
"Yeah," Virgil sighed. "He uses up all his energy on the caffeine high, so he isn't hyper for very long, unless you give him lots of coffee."  
  
"Yep!" Remus chimed. "There was this one time, when he managed to get a hold of the whole pot! He didn't sleep for two days!"  
  
"But then he crashed for four," Virgil chuckled, adjusting the sleeping Side in his hold. "We never drank coffee in the Dark Side again."  
  
"But you can't last a day without a cup of coffee, emo," Roman said. "I once tried to get to the coffee machine before you, and you nearly mauled me to death!"  
  
"Well, it happened right before I moved up here, so I didn't go too long without coffee."  
  
"You mean, you only moved up here because of the coffee?"  
  
Virgil gasped melodramatically, locking eyes with Remus.  
  
"Rem, our master plan has been discovered! We're only coming up here to mooch off your coffee supply!"  
  
"So you're only friends with us for the coffee?" Patton asked, voice small.  
  
"No, Pat," Virgil laughed. "I'm joking. We're all friends for real, I promise."  
  
Patton gave a sigh of relief, and Virgil deposited Janus on the couch, tossing a blanket over him.  
  
"He'll be out for the next two hours, then don't remember a thing." Virgil's eyes drifted until they landed on Logan.  
  
"You can come out of there now, you know."  
  
Logan nodded, only half listening as he scribbled down the last of his notes.  
  
 _In conclusion, Janus Sanders should never be allowed near coffee again._

**Author's Note:**

> Virgil absolutely 100% puts the others in timeout and Logan is absolutely 100% ends up there the most because of random experiments and I will dIE ON THIS HILL! 
> 
> Anyway. Stay safe and take care of yourselves! <3


End file.
